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ethan_bennett
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Name: Ethan
Country: United States
State: Colorado
Metro: Boulder
Birthday: 10/10/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: I like computers, psychology/sociology/anthropology, writing (check out my novel-in-progress at www.xanga.com/coredinc), shopping, conversation, listening to music, and watching documentaries.
Expertise: My expertise definately lies in many areas. What you'll witness here is my expertise in writing and technology, mostly. I'm pretty pro at a lot of things, though.
Occupation: Computer related
Industry: Business
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  cheezcrusadr
MSN: ddrgod9756@hotmail.com
ICQ:  168255170
Yahoo:  TheLonelyTeacher
Member Since:
12/16/2005
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| Life is pretty crazy these days. Women. Work. Moving. Graduation. Everything. Dave and Bonnie. Mike and Emily. Myself and Bree...And Erin...And McKenzie..and Olivia...And Crista's still in the picture. I just don't even know anymore. I feel lost. Empty. Without a meaning to being a live. I've lost my purpose. I've lost my sense of life. I feel lonely, abandoned, and empty. I feel lost. Das Wandern. Erin. I am fucking sick of it. I wanna stop, but then I get this waning glimpse of hope that draws me back. Is it a game? Am I just seeing things? I don't know. But I just wanna say to her: "Look, I'm sick of this. What the fuck is this? It's not a relationship. It's not even a friendship We see eachother rarely if that. Do you even want to see me? You don't make time to see me. Is all you want a little text-buddy? Doubtful, because you don't even respond to those. I'm sck of this shit. I'm sick of this little "way" that I have to work around in order to make anything happen. I'm sick of being called a "little girl" any time I show even the slightest hint of trying to make a personal connection. I'm sick of guessing games. I'm sick of waiting with bated breath after I send a text, thinking 'will she even reply?' I feel like I'm in a dying relationshp with a girlfriend who's cheating on me...and we're only friends! I'm fighting like it's a RELATIONSHIP just to maintain a FRIENDSHIP. Fuck that. I'm out." But will I? No. Because I'm a little Sally. I'm horny and want to get with her. She's cool and I like having her as a friend. But MAN, dealing with her little "way" can be SO annoying. Sending her a text and not knowing if she'll ever respond makes me want to fucking throw my phone out the window and just fucking kick a puppy or some shit. Having to watch my words, guard my persona, and try to remain aloof all at the same time just so I don't "scare her off" is so fucking troublesome. Motto mendokuse da ne. I just don't even fucking know any more. It's like, I have feelings for her, not very strong, but I have them. I mean, I don't want a relationship with her, like AT ALL. The only girl I'd even CONSIDER getting in a relationship with is Bree, and she's gone in 3 months so that's outta the question. I'd just like having her as a friend, and maybe a little something more on the side...if ya know what I mean -.^ But fuck it. I don't even care anymore. I took her off my facebook and myspace. She's not in my phone, and I erase all my entries from her after a little texting thing. I don't initiate conversation much if ever anymore. Hopefully she'll fght to keep it alive or it'll just kinda die. Both are possible now that summer's creeping up. We'll see. Oh...and Fuck Rachel. | | |
| I haven't posted in here for like...ever. So, for those of you who actually care, here's an update on my life: I'm lonely, depressed, over-worked, stressed out, worried, horny, and scared. But, I'm also enjoying my job and life, feeling more confident than ever, and, in some capacity of the word, am actually pretty happy. I miss Crista. A lot. Like, you have no idea. Every day is a fight. I think about her. And how I want to be with her, forever, and ever, and ever. How I want to grow old with her. How making a life with her is just so the "Right" idea. Of course, then I kinda snap into reality and am like "look killer, the bitch cheated on you. And even if you did get back together, thing wouldn't be the same. And on top of it all, she'll be going away for a long LONG time when she goes out fo state for college, and shit won't work out, no matter how hard you try, because she doesn't want to try. So, hope and dream all you want, it's not gonna work. And you'll validate her. By getting back together with her, you'll say 'hey, look. you can do bad things, and get away with them if you're a big enough deusche.'" So, no matter how much I want to, how badly I miss her, and how great an idea it sounds, I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna stick by my guns. I'm gonna move on. But MAN, does it sound so great. Rachel got into UofM. Meaning, if she decides to go, she'll be within hours of her ex boyfriend. The first man she has ever truely loved. The man that allowed her to enter into a realm of pleasure and joy that she'd never experienced before. She'll live a mere two hours from my brother. A scary notion. But, she loves him. Will always love him. The same way I love Megan. The same way I love Maria. The same way a part of me wants to love Jessie (sorry hun, things were pretty serious between us. I even call you an 'ex-girlfriend' even though there really isn't much of a timeline to fit it into, but it would be a lie to say I ever loved you, and it would be hurtful to say I still love you. but a part of me cares deeply for your well-being and a part of me wishes we could still be friends without your love for me forever taunting you.) The same way I now feel for Crista. Each time you give your heart to someone, you devote a portion of your life. Your soul. Your essence. And when it goes away, it leaves you empty, unfulfilled, and incomplete. I look back at my life in relationships, and I realize everything that I've lost. I lost playing computer games with Megan. I lost our little back-alley escapes with Maria. When Jessie would bike to my house, just to hang out with me, to see my face, to touch me, no matter where I was. No matter how drugged up, incompetant, or, conversely, cogent and together. She came to see me. Or the phone calls. If I remember anything, it's the calling Crista 3 times a day. I didn't care if call lasted 30sec or 30min, we talked. I made the effort. Crista loved it. I can never forget those. I've been fucking around with girls recently. I had a fuck-buddy. Bianca. She's this really cute asian girl. But, things happened. I don't know if we can hit it up anymore. She said she loved me. Jessie said the same thing. And look what I did to her. I made that mistake once. I took a beautiful, loving, caring, wonderful individual, and destroyed them. I can't believe I did such a thing. I abused such an amazing thing. I don't understand how I couldn't just accept it and become one with it, why I rejected it so adamently. I just don't know. And I see this quality in Bianca. I see our relationship reaching that point, atleast in the respect of her fulfilling Jessie's destiny. And I can't let that happen again. THere's a new girl now, too. Her name is MacKenzie. She's the ex-Girlfriend of a lot of my friends, the apple of a lot of my other friend's eye, and kinda has a thing for me...like she does for eveyrone who scores higher than a 50 on the FQ scale. I don't know where that'll lead. And then there's my current personal drama. Crista called me a while back. I'm still realing form it. I want her. So bad. It ails me. It kills me. I need her so bad. We need to be back together. It's the only thing in the world that makes sense right now. IT's the only desire I have. I dream every night, just before 11:12, after holding my breath all the way through 11:11, that we can work out together again. But I'm doing just that. Holding my breath. My mind, my self, knows it cannot work. My morals won't let it happen. I have lots of morals. They are usually pretty loose. Lots of wiggleroom. You can really push a lot of my morals. But cheating is not one of those, it's more a prime directve. A dire imperative. So, no matter how much, as a whole I want to, I am literally incapable of doing it. We're talking, every freakin' ounce. There is nothing in my body or mind that says I shouldn't, don't want to, or think it's a bad idea. But I physically cannot do it. She called me. She was basically asking for me back. And, I told her, flat out. Every bit of me wants it. My heart still belongs only to her. But it cannot happen. It is out of the question. I miss her more than I miss anyone. But it will never be. It is too little, too late. I dunno. I need sleep. I might ad some more tommorrow, but don't hold your breath like I do. It depends on how tired I am. | | |
| Whelp, another entry in the xanga means Ethan's sad again. Why so sad, panda?
Well, things have actually been going quite well, oddly enough. Work, while hectic, is good. Lots of hours for me. Makin' money to pay for my new Phone (It's an LG Cherry Chocolate!). My Camaro is gone. No fixin' it this time. So, that's kinda a downer, but now I finally have an excuse to get a new car. I'm spending a lot of time with my friends, and that does make me feel good. Rachel and I have become very close as of late, and it makes me happy. I haven't had a friend like her since Katie K (Back before we knew she was a Deuschebag...aka pre-Megan phase) or Liana (Post-"Stove-talk," when I'd made the decision to never pursue a relationship with her in any capacity). It's nice having a female friend who I'm touching-close with, can talk about all my worries, wonders, and wants in the world, and have the solid knowledge, that, regardless of anything, we won't become engaged in either sexual or emotional plight. And, oddly enough, some recent discoveries about the state of my now-defunct girlfriend make me happy. She's with another guy. Apparently she's "moved on." That makes me happy. While I can't help but get the feeling that he's being put in the same position Maria was corn-holed into, Rachel has assured me it's different. Throughout the duration of this break-up, I've had this sort of "I've become Crista's 'Megan,'" even though I wasn't abusive, manipulative, and two-faced... but the whole "Love-lorn over your first flame" vibe seems to infiltrate my perception. Whether it be bold arrogance, misunderstanding of the female condition, or unwhitting assumptions from 3rd- and 4th-hand information, I don't know, while I'll place money on the latter than the former or the secondary. Regardless of the reason, it is definately a new experience to me, and one that akins me a little closer to how Megan must have felt when I our relationship so undesirously ended. Which is why I still won't talk to Crista, unlike Megan, no matter what the circumstance. Come hell or high water (or even a death in the family,) there is nothing that will bring me back to her in an physical capacity. I seem to be straying vaguely from the point. I'm happy she's moved on. I may be paranoid about the motive, but she's moved (or atleast attempting to move) on, and for that I'm happy.
But, like I said, I am not a happy camper as of late. Why, one would ask, with all these good things happening.
Whelp, my legal position is getting more and more complicated. As usual, no details will be divulged, but it's hairy, annoying, and complicated, to say the least. I've been losing more weight than I want to. I live on what's called the "Intuative Diet," When I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not, I don't. But, lately, I've been drinking a lot of caffiene, or getting really rushed on adrenaline at work, and, while my stomach feels empty, I am not hungry. I don't wanna eat. It's probably the chemicals quashing my appetite, but I'm just not hungry, and it sucks. My belly doesn't like it, it gets angry and hurts. But I just look at food and cringe, I DON'T wanna eat it >.< Then there's my lonliness. For once in my life, I am lonely. Not "Lonely because..." followed by missing someone. I'm just lonely. I desire companionship. Ryan is always busy. McNeil has his girlfriend, Steph has school. And quite frankly, most everyone else is a little to young for me. I have become increasingly disenchanted with playing WoW, as in, I don't really have much desire to play. Rachel and I are spending time together, but Crista is her primary friend, so, while we're still very close, and do spend a lot of time together, I am still secondary. Which I can't fault her for. Crista is her best friend. They've known eachother for years. Crista NEEDS Rachel, now moreso then ever, and Rachel has a life. But, again, my desire for companionship does in fact, impact my mood very strongly. I've become nostalgic of times long past. The months previous to my taxing times. In such, I've become increasingly lonely. The memories of what it's like to have a devoted companion, with whom our time together meant something, and our lifes had impact on eachother's, seem to dishearten me in many aspects. That's not to say, however, that they aren't emboldening, too. The thought that someone could ACTUALLY love me in such a way makes me heartened. The fact that I can have such a large impact on someone else's life again, empowers me. It makes me hark back to my core values. Something I've been a little relaxed with. I may still maintain a 'lax standpoint on a few, but I'm really going to crack down on my core philosophies, that I may have somewhat neglected to compensate for areas of lacking in my previous compatriot. In sumation, what I'm trying to say, is...I miss the good times. It's been a month, ya know...but, well...it's also only been a month. I do miss the good times we shared and made for each other, and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little bit jealous. But, again, for all that I'm disheartened, I'm equally emboldened. I'm still working through a lot. But I'll come out victorious. I've made a lot of progress. Why, just Sunday night, Eric took me bowling and introduced me to some of his girlfriend's buddies. They weren't interested. One of them was pretty cute, but saying I was interested in anything but her body would be a lie, though. So, I'm gonna keep up the progress. One day at a time, eh? PS: Did I mention I'm sick...fucking URIs. | | |
| Just another quick update incase you were wondering: I'm doing good. Not great, but good. I'm a little stressed out at life, my job, and my video game, but I'm not depressed anymore. I, of course, do still have some lingering feelings of remorse, hatred, sadness, etc. but none like Sunday night, and it's pretty much back to the normal feeling. I feel good. Excited to be alive and what the future may hold excites me more. Life makes me feel good right now, even if there is a bunch of shit hitting me. Oh well, as Aretha said "I will survive." | | |
| Just wanna write a quick follow-up before I went to work: I feel great. | | |
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