Whelp, another entry in the xanga means Ethan's sad again.

 

Why so sad, panda?

Well, things have actually been going quite well, oddly enough. Work, while hectic, is good. Lots of hours for me. Makin' money to pay for my new Phone (It's an LG Cherry Chocolate!). My Camaro is gone. No fixin' it this time. So, that's kinda a downer, but now I finally have an excuse to get a new car. I'm spending a lot of time with my friends, and that does make me feel good. Rachel and I have become very close as of late, and it makes me happy. I haven't had a friend like her since Katie K (Back before we knew she was a Deuschebag...aka pre-Megan phase) or Liana (Post-"Stove-talk," when I'd made the decision to never pursue a relationship with her in any capacity). It's nice having a female friend who I'm touching-close with, can talk about all my worries, wonders, and wants in the world, and have the solid knowledge, that, regardless of anything, we won't become engaged in either sexual or emotional plight. And, oddly enough, some recent discoveries about the state of my now-defunct girlfriend make me happy. She's with another guy. Apparently she's "moved on." That makes me happy. While I can't help but get the feeling that he's being put in the same position Maria was corn-holed into, Rachel has assured me it's different. Throughout the duration of this break-up, I've had this sort of "I've become Crista's 'Megan,'" even though I wasn't abusive, manipulative, and two-faced... but the whole "Love-lorn over your first flame" vibe seems to infiltrate my perception. Whether it be bold arrogance, misunderstanding of the female condition, or unwhitting assumptions from 3rd- and 4th-hand information, I don't know, while I'll place money on the latter than the former or the secondary. Regardless of the reason, it is definately a new experience to me, and one that akins me a little closer to how Megan must have felt when I our relationship so undesirously ended. Which is why I still won't talk to Crista, unlike Megan, no matter what the circumstance. Come hell or high water (or even a death in the family,) there is nothing that will bring me back to her in an physical capacity. I seem to be straying vaguely from the point. I'm happy she's moved on. I may be paranoid about the motive, but she's moved (or atleast attempting to move) on, and for that I'm happy.

But, like I said, I am not a happy camper as of late. Why, one would ask, with all these good things happening.

Whelp, my legal position is getting more and more complicated. As usual, no details will be divulged, but it's hairy, annoying, and complicated, to say the least. I've been losing more weight than I want to. I live on what's called the "Intuative Diet," When I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not, I don't. But, lately, I've been drinking a lot of caffiene, or getting really rushed on adrenaline at work, and, while my stomach feels empty, I am not hungry. I don't wanna eat. It's probably the chemicals quashing my appetite, but I'm just not hungry, and it sucks. My belly doesn't like it, it gets angry and hurts. But I just look at food and cringe, I DON'T wanna eat it >.<

Then there's my lonliness. For once in my life, I am lonely. Not "Lonely because..." followed by missing someone. I'm just lonely. I desire companionship. Ryan is always busy. McNeil has his girlfriend, Steph has school. And quite frankly, most everyone else is a little to young for me. I have become increasingly disenchanted with playing WoW, as in, I don't really have much desire to play. Rachel and I are spending time together, but Crista is her primary friend, so, while we're still very close, and do spend a lot of time together, I am still secondary. Which I can't fault her for. Crista is her best friend. They've known eachother for years. Crista NEEDS Rachel, now moreso then ever, and Rachel has a life. But, again, my desire for companionship does in fact, impact my mood very strongly. I've become nostalgic of times long past. The months previous to my taxing times. In such, I've become increasingly lonely. The memories of what it's like to have a devoted companion, with whom our time together meant something, and our lifes had impact on eachother's, seem to dishearten me in many aspects. That's not to say, however, that they aren't emboldening, too. The thought that someone could ACTUALLY love me in such a way makes me heartened. The fact that I can have such a large impact on someone else's life again, empowers me. It makes me hark back to my core values. Something I've been a little relaxed with. I may still maintain a 'lax standpoint on a few, but I'm really going to crack down on my core philosophies, that I may have somewhat neglected to compensate for areas of lacking in my previous compatriot.

In sumation, what I'm trying to say, is...I miss the good times. It's been a month, ya know...but, well...it's also only been a month. I do miss the good times we shared and made for each other, and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little bit jealous. But, again, for all that I'm disheartened, I'm equally emboldened. I'm still working through a lot. But I'll come out victorious. I've made a lot of progress. Why, just Sunday night, Eric took me bowling and introduced me to some of his girlfriend's buddies. They weren't interested. One of them was pretty cute, but saying I was interested in anything but her body would be a lie, though. So, I'm gonna keep up the progress. One day at a time, eh?

 

PS: Did I mention I'm sick...fucking URIs.