I haven't posted in here for like...ever. So, for those of you who actually care, here's an update on my life:

I'm lonely, depressed, over-worked, stressed out, worried, horny, and scared. But, I'm also enjoying my job and life, feeling more confident than ever, and, in some capacity of the word, am actually pretty happy.

I miss Crista. A lot. Like, you have no idea. Every day is a fight. I think about her. And how I want to be with her, forever, and ever, and ever. How I want to grow old with her. How making a life with her is just so the "Right" idea. Of course, then I kinda snap into reality and am like "look killer, the bitch cheated on you. And even if you did get back together, thing wouldn't be the same. And on top of it all, she'll be going away for a long LONG time when she goes out fo state for college, and shit won't work out, no matter how hard you try, because she doesn't want to try. So, hope and dream all you want, it's not gonna work. And you'll validate her. By getting back together with her, you'll say 'hey, look. you can do bad things, and get away with them if you're a big enough deusche.'" So, no matter how much I want to, how badly I miss her, and how great an idea it sounds, I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna stick by my guns. I'm gonna move on. But MAN, does it sound so great.

Rachel got into UofM. Meaning, if she decides to go, she'll be within hours of her ex boyfriend. The first man she has ever truely loved. The man that allowed her to enter into a realm of pleasure and joy that she'd  never experienced before. She'll live a mere two hours from my brother. A scary notion. But, she loves him. Will always love him. The same way I love Megan. The same way I love Maria. The same way a part of me wants to love Jessie (sorry hun, things were pretty serious between us. I even call you an 'ex-girlfriend' even though there really isn't much of a timeline to fit it into, but it would be a lie to say I ever loved you, and it would be hurtful to say I still love you. but a part of me cares deeply for your well-being and a part of me wishes we could still be friends without your love for me forever taunting you.) The same way I now feel for Crista. Each time you give your heart to someone, you devote a portion of your life. Your soul. Your essence. And when it goes away, it leaves you empty, unfulfilled, and incomplete. I look back at my life in relationships, and I realize everything that I've lost. I lost playing computer games with Megan. I lost our little back-alley escapes with Maria. When Jessie would bike to my house, just to hang out with me, to see my face, to touch me, no matter where I was. No matter how drugged up, incompetant, or, conversely, cogent and together. She came to see me. Or the phone calls. If I remember anything, it's the calling Crista 3 times a day. I didn't care if call lasted 30sec or 30min, we talked. I made the effort. Crista loved it. I can never forget those.

I've been fucking around with girls recently. I had a fuck-buddy. Bianca. She's this really cute asian girl. But, things happened. I don't know if we can hit it up anymore. She said she loved me. Jessie said the same thing. And look what I did to her. I made that mistake once. I took a beautiful, loving, caring, wonderful individual, and destroyed them. I can't believe I did such a thing. I abused such an amazing thing. I don't understand how I couldn't just accept it and become one with it, why I rejected it so adamently. I just don't know. And I see this quality in Bianca. I see our relationship reaching that point, atleast in the respect of her fulfilling Jessie's destiny. And I can't let that happen again.

THere's a new girl now, too. Her name is MacKenzie. She's the ex-Girlfriend of a lot of my friends, the apple of a lot of my other friend's eye, and kinda has a thing for me...like she does for eveyrone who scores higher than a 50 on the FQ scale. I don't know where that'll lead.

And then there's my current personal drama. Crista called me a while back. I'm still realing form it. I want her. So bad. It ails me. It kills me. I need her so bad. We need to be back together. It's the only thing in the world that makes sense right now. IT's the only desire I have. I dream every night, just before 11:12, after holding my breath all the way through 11:11, that we can work out together again. But I'm doing just that. Holding my breath. My mind, my self, knows it cannot work. My morals won't let it happen. I have lots of morals. They are usually pretty loose. Lots of wiggleroom. You can really push a lot of my morals. But cheating is not one of those, it's more a prime directve. A dire imperative. So, no matter how much, as a whole I want to, I am literally incapable of doing it. We're talking, every freakin' ounce. There is nothing in my body or mind that says I shouldn't, don't want to, or think it's a bad idea. But I physically cannot do it. She called me. She was basically asking for me back. And, I told her, flat out. Every bit of me wants it. My heart still belongs only to her. But it cannot happen. It is out of the question. I miss her more than I miss anyone. But it will never be. It is too little, too late.

I dunno. I need sleep. I might ad some more tommorrow, but don't hold your breath like I do. It depends on how tired I am.