ethan_bennett's Xanga

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Thu, 24 May 2007 05:21:25 GMT

Life is pretty crazy these days. Women. Work. Moving. Graduation. Everything.

Dave and Bonnie. Mike and Emily. Myself and Bree...And Erin...And McKenzie..and Olivia...And Crista's still in the picture. I just don't even know anymore.

I feel lost. Empty. Without a meaning to being a live. I've lost my purpose. I've lost my sense of life. I feel lonely, abandoned, and empty. I feel lost. Das Wandern.

Erin. I am fucking sick of it. I wanna stop, but then I get this waning glimpse of hope that draws me back. Is it a game? Am I just seeing things? I don't know. But I just wanna say to her:

"Look, I'm sick of this. What the fuck is this? It's not a relationship. It's not even a friendship We see eachother rarely if that. Do you even want to see me? You don't make time to see me. Is all you want a little text-buddy? Doubtful, because you don't even respond to those. I'm sck of this shit. I'm sick of this little "way" that I have to work around in order to make anything happen. I'm sick of being called a "little girl" any time I show even the slightest hint of trying to make a personal connection. I'm sick of guessing games. I'm sick of waiting with bated breath after I send a text, thinking 'will she even reply?' I feel like I'm in a dying relationshp with a girlfriend who's cheating on me...and we're only friends! I'm fighting like it's a RELATIONSHIP just to maintain a FRIENDSHIP. Fuck that. I'm out."

But will I? No. Because I'm a little Sally. I'm horny and want to get with her. She's cool and I like having her as a friend. But MAN, dealing with her little "way" can be SO annoying. Sending her a text and not knowing if she'll ever respond makes me want to fucking throw my phone out the window and just fucking kick a puppy or some shit. Having to watch my words, guard my persona, and try to remain aloof all at the same time just so I don't "scare her off" is so fucking troublesome. Motto mendokuse da ne. I just don't even fucking know any more. It's like, I have feelings for her, not very strong, but I have them. I mean, I don't want a relationship with her, like AT ALL. The only girl I'd even CONSIDER getting in a relationship with is Bree, and she's gone in 3 months so that's outta the question. I'd just like having her as a friend, and maybe a little something more on the side...if ya know what I mean -.^

But fuck it. I don't even care anymore. I took her off my facebook and myspace. She's not in my phone, and I erase all my entries from her after a little texting thing. I don't initiate conversation much if ever anymore. Hopefully she'll fght to keep it alive or it'll just kinda die. Both are possible now that summer's creeping up. We'll see.

Oh...and Fuck Rachel.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 07:33:08 GMT

I haven't posted in here for like...ever. So, for those of you who actually care, here's an update on my life:

I'm lonely, depressed, over-worked, stressed out, worried, horny, and scared. But, I'm also enjoying my job and life, feeling more confident than ever, and, in some capacity of the word, am actually pretty happy.

I miss Crista. A lot. Like, you have no idea. Every day is a fight. I think about her. And how I want to be with her, forever, and ever, and ever. How I want to grow old with her. How making a life with her is just so the "Right" idea. Of course, then I kinda snap into reality and am like "look killer, the bitch cheated on you. And even if you did get back together, thing wouldn't be the same. And on top of it all, she'll be going away for a long LONG time when she goes out fo state for college, and shit won't work out, no matter how hard you try, because she doesn't want to try. So, hope and dream all you want, it's not gonna work. And you'll validate her. By getting back together with her, you'll say 'hey, look. you can do bad things, and get away with them if you're a big enough deusche.'" So, no matter how much I want to, how badly I miss her, and how great an idea it sounds, I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna stick by my guns. I'm gonna move on. But MAN, does it sound so great.

Rachel got into UofM. Meaning, if she decides to go, she'll be within hours of her ex boyfriend. The first man she has ever truely loved. The man that allowed her to enter into a realm of pleasure and joy that she'd never experienced before. She'll live a mere two hours from my brother. A scary notion. But, she loves him. Will always love him. The same way I love Megan. The same way I love Maria. The same way a part of me wants to love Jessie (sorry hun, things were pretty serious between us. I even call you an 'ex-girlfriend' even though there really isn't much of a timeline to fit it into, but it would be a lie to say I ever loved you, and it would be hurtful to say I still love you. but a part of me cares deeply for your well-being and a part of me wishes we could still be friends without your love for me forever taunting you.) The same way I now feel for Crista. Each time you give your heart to someone, you devote a portion of your life. Your soul. Your essence. And when it goes away, it leaves you empty, unfulfilled, and incomplete. I look back at my life in relationships, and I realize everything that I've lost. I lost playing computer games with Megan. I lost our little back-alley escapes with Maria. When Jessie would bike to my house, just to hang out with me, to see my face, to touch me, no matter where I was. No matter how drugged up, incompetant, or, conversely, cogent and together. She came to see me. Or the phone calls. If I remember anything, it's the calling Crista 3 times a day. I didn't care if call lasted 30sec or 30min, we talked. I made the effort. Crista loved it. I can never forget those.

I've been fucking around with girls recently. I had a fuck-buddy. Bianca. She's this really cute asian girl. But, things happened. I don't know if we can hit it up anymore. She said she loved me. Jessie said the same thing. And look what I did to her. I made that mistake once. I took a beautiful, loving, caring, wonderful individual, and destroyed them. I can't believe I did such a thing. I abused such an amazing thing. I don't understand how I couldn't just accept it and become one with it, why I rejected it so adamently. I just don't know. And I see this quality in Bianca. I see our relationship reaching that point, atleast in the respect of her fulfilling Jessie's destiny. And I can't let that happen again.

THere's a new girl now, too. Her name is MacKenzie. She's the ex-Girlfriend of a lot of my friends, the apple of a lot of my other friend's eye, and kinda has a thing for me...like she does for eveyrone who scores higher than a 50 on the FQ scale. I don't know where that'll lead.

And then there's my current personal drama. Crista called me a while back. I'm still realing form it. I want her. So bad. It ails me. It kills me. I need her so bad. We need to be back together. It's the only thing in the world that makes sense right now. IT's the only desire I have. I dream every night, just before 11:12, after holding my breath all the way through 11:11, that we can work out together again. But I'm doing just that. Holding my breath. My mind, my self, knows it cannot work. My morals won't let it happen. I have lots of morals. They are usually pretty loose. Lots of wiggleroom. You can really push a lot of my morals. But cheating is not one of those, it's more a prime directve. A dire imperative. So, no matter how much, as a whole I want to, I am literally incapable of doing it. We're talking, every freakin' ounce. There is nothing in my body or mind that says I shouldn't, don't want to, or think it's a bad idea. But I physically cannot do it. She called me. She was basically asking for me back. And, I told her, flat out. Every bit of me wants it. My heart still belongs only to her. But it cannot happen. It is out of the question. I miss her more than I miss anyone. But it will never be. It is too little, too late.

I dunno. I need sleep. I might ad some more tommorrow, but don't hold your breath like I do. It depends on how tired I am.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 07:33:29 GMT

Whelp, another entry in the xanga means Ethan's sad again.

Why so sad, panda?

Well, things have actually been going quite well, oddly enough. Work, while hectic, is good. Lots of hours for me. Makin' money to pay for my new Phone (It's an LG Cherry Chocolate!). My Camaro is gone. No fixin' it this time. So, that's kinda a downer, but now I finally have an excuse to get a new car. I'm spending a lot of time with my friends, and that does make me feel good. Rachel and I have become very close as of late, and it makes me happy. I haven't had a friend like her since Katie K (Back before we knew she was a Deuschebag...aka pre-Megan phase) or Liana (Post-"Stove-talk," when I'd made the decision to never pursue a relationship with her in any capacity). It's nice having a female friend who I'm touching-close with, can talk about all my worries, wonders, and wants in the world, and have the solid knowledge, that, regardless of anything, we won't become engaged in either sexual or emotional plight. And, oddly enough, some recent discoveries about the state of my now-defunct girlfriend make me happy. She's with another guy. Apparently she's "moved on." That makes me happy. While I can't help but get the feeling that he's being put in the same position Maria was corn-holed into, Rachel has assured me it's different. Throughout the duration of this break-up, I've had this sort of "I've become Crista's 'Megan,'" even though I wasn't abusive, manipulative, and two-faced... but the whole "Love-lorn over your first flame" vibe seems to infiltrate my perception. Whether it be bold arrogance, misunderstanding of the female condition, or unwhitting assumptions from 3rd- and 4th-hand information, I don't know, while I'll place money on the latter than the former or the secondary. Regardless of the reason, it is definately a new experience to me, and one that akins me a little closer to how Megan must have felt when I our relationship so undesirously ended. Which is why I still won't talk to Crista, unlike Megan, no matter what the circumstance. Come hell or high water (or even a death in the family,) there is nothing that will bring me back to her in an physical capacity. I seem to be straying vaguely from the point. I'm happy she's moved on. I may be paranoid about the motive, but she's moved (or atleast attempting to move) on, and for that I'm happy.

But, like I said, I am not a happy camper as of late. Why, one would ask, with all these good things happening.

Whelp, my legal position is getting more and more complicated. As usual, no details will be divulged, but it's hairy, annoying, and complicated, to say the least. I've been losing more weight than I want to. I live on what's called the "Intuative Diet," When I'm hungry, I eat. If I'm not, I don't. But, lately, I've been drinking a lot of caffiene, or getting really rushed on adrenaline at work, and, while my stomach feels empty, I am not hungry. I don't wanna eat. It's probably the chemicals quashing my appetite, but I'm just not hungry, and it sucks. My belly doesn't like it, it gets angry and hurts. But I just look at food and cringe, I DON'T wanna eat it >.<

Then there's my lonliness. For once in my life, I am lonely. Not "Lonely because..." followed by missing someone. I'm just lonely. I desire companionship. Ryan is always busy. McNeil has his girlfriend, Steph has school. And quite frankly, most everyone else is a little to young for me. I have become increasingly disenchanted with playing WoW, as in, I don't really have much desire to play. Rachel and I are spending time together, but Crista is her primary friend, so, while we're still very close, and do spend a lot of time together, I am still secondary. Which I can't fault her for. Crista is her best friend. They've known eachother for years. Crista NEEDS Rachel, now moreso then ever, and Rachel has a life. But, again, my desire for companionship does in fact, impact my mood very strongly. I've become nostalgic of times long past. The months previous to my taxing times. In such, I've become increasingly lonely. The memories of what it's like to have a devoted companion, with whom our time together meant something, and our lifes had impact on eachother's, seem to dishearten me in many aspects. That's not to say, however, that they aren't emboldening, too. The thought that someone could ACTUALLY love me in such a way makes me heartened. The fact that I can have such a large impact on someone else's life again, empowers me. It makes me hark back to my core values. Something I've been a little relaxed with. I may still maintain a 'lax standpoint on a few, but I'm really going to crack down on my core philosophies, that I may have somewhat neglected to compensate for areas of lacking in my previous compatriot.

In sumation, what I'm trying to say, is...I miss the good times. It's been a month, ya know...but, well...it's also only been a month. I do miss the good times we shared and made for each other, and I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little bit jealous. But, again, for all that I'm disheartened, I'm equally emboldened. I'm still working through a lot. But I'll come out victorious. I've made a lot of progress. Why, just Sunday night, Eric took me bowling and introduced me to some of his girlfriend's buddies. They weren't interested. One of them was pretty cute, but saying I was interested in anything but her body would be a lie, though. So, I'm gonna keep up the progress. One day at a time, eh?

PS: Did I mention I'm sick...fucking URIs.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 08:49:39 GMT

Just another quick update incase you were wondering: I'm doing good. Not great, but good. I'm a little stressed out at life, my job, and my video game, but I'm not depressed anymore. I, of course, do still have some lingering feelings of remorse, hatred, sadness, etc. but none like Sunday night, and it's pretty much back to the normal feeling. I feel good. Excited to be alive and what the future may hold excites me more. Life makes me feel good right now, even if there is a bunch of shit hitting me. Oh well, as Aretha said "I will survive."

Monday, February 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 14:08:09 GMT

Just wanna write a quick follow-up before I went to work: I feel great.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 07:42:38 GMT

I don't know what rammifications me typing this will cause, but I can't sleep, and the only way I can get any piece of mind is by getting this out of my head.

I don't know if it's just a swing "low" from me having to be so "high" all day at work to deal with the insane load, or if it's just a breakdown in my denial defense mechinism, but for the first time since me and Crista broke up, January 10thish, I am depressed by it.

I miss her, terribly. For the first time, I feel the tightening in my chest, the bitter dispair of loss, and the hopelessness of the future. My chest is tight, my heart is palpitating and feels like it's beating irregularly. My breathing is deep, laboured, and fast. My head is swimming and can't stay focused. My eyes hurt. They want to cry.

I have not felt this way, yet. So far, the only feelings I've had are disgust. Disgust that she could do such a thing. Disgust that she could take me for granted. That she could toss me aside the way she did. I've felt betrayed. That someone I loved could turn their back on me. I've felt anger. So mad that I wanted to kill her for doing what she did to me. I've felt rebirth. The feeling you get when you realize what's happened and your only option is to move on. That's been the most predominant feeling. There are two phrases that have got me thus far:

"You were wronged. It is not your fault." and "You will never be with her again." I have carried my head high every day knowing those feelings. And while I often question myself with "Did you do something wrong? Was it your mistake?" the only answer I can come up with is "You did everything you could. You did nothing wrong." And I still feel that way. And that won't change. I didn't do anything wrong and I did everything I could. I may not have been enough, or the right thing to do may not have been what she wanted, but I never did the wrong thing and I did everything I could.

But, I've yet to feel this. Raw, unadulterated depression. I've battled with bouts of seperation anxiety. People say things or an event reminds me of something that me and Crista had done, and it makes me happy. And then I get sad and anxious because I realize that it'll never happen again. But, for the first time, I DESIRE for them to happen again. I WANT them to be capable of happening again. My body is literally shuddering with distress. I miss her right now. A lot. I want her back in my arms. I want to see her smiling face. I want to sleep on her couch. I want to bicker about homework. I want to help her through this rough schoolyear. I want to be there for her when her sister abuses her (which she does regularly.) I miss that. For the first time, I want her back.

But even as I'm typing this, my mind is telling me things: You want her back, but you really don't. You KNOW what happened. What's to tell you it won't happen again? She denied your ultimate trust. She wronged you. And, after being broken up, you look in retrospect and see all the problems that were hiding in cockles of the relationship. And, when I think about it, it is all so unappealing to get back together with her. But there's this feeling. This FEELING deep in the back of my brainstem that wants to just damn the torpedoes and get back with her. Feel those dizzying highs of being with her, with little to no swings downward. It's like this massive rush of euphoria, followed by a slow weening of depression. Love is better than any drug I've ever used.

Haha, that's it! I figured it out. I'm going through withdrawal. It's the 3-week hump. My brainstem is leveling out it's hormones and chemicals, and a side-effect of it all is this depression, that's gotta be it! Or I'm totally wrong. I don't really know. And, quite frankly, I don't really care. You know why? I've got work tommorrow. I've got a life to lead. I've got to pick the pieces of my heart back up, grabbing the few straggling shards as I go along, apparently, and buckle down. I'm depressed. Yes. But I'm not stupid. I know what the helll is up. I will live by my two phrases. There are plenty of fish out in the sea. There are many more opportunities. Crista was just one option. I opted toward her direction. I followed that path. And that path has lead me to another impass. My life from hence forth is influenced by my own descisions. And I've chosen this path: "It's over. You were right. You've made the right choice. You've done the right thing."

So, I'm going to deal with this depression for tonight, and if I experience it tommorrow? Hitler said it best: "Work will set you free." And if I'm still sad afterward? I've got games to play, and people to hang out with. They will help my denial mechanism kick in. There's nothing to deal with. Everything is dealt with. It's all about leveling my moods. And my denial mechanism will help me ease that as opposed to dealing with it all at once. And If I'm still sad in the future? Well...I'll deal with it as it goes, eh what? Can a guy ask for any more?

I am depressed. But you know what? There's a light at the end of this tunnel, and it's just up ahead. And it isn't a train. It's a Y-joint that's gonna take me to another tunnel.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 07:22:04 GMT

I wish Crista's friends from Mexico would go home.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 07:02:26 GMT

I'm really really really sad tonight. I miss my girlfriend. A lot. I feel this pain deep inside my chest. I just want her here. But she's so busy with school and everything, and has been kinda sick, and she hasn't been able to get much sleep. I'm really worried about her. I don't get to spend much time with her. I wanted to take her out to a movie, but I really don't have a way. My car is still broken, I've got some personal shit I need to take care of, really soon, and am really having a hard time at work. I don't wanna write much, I've been working on a new version of my story and it's really drained my typing juices, and I've gotta get up early tommorrow. I'll probably type later. Peace.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 06:36:00 GMT

I just realized that there are like, no pictures of me in the universe. THere are like 60 of me tagged on facebook, but...there are only actually like...30. You'd think after 21 years of camera-addicted family and friends there'd be more pictures of me floating around...but, whelp, there really isn't. Kinda sad, eh?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 06:41:30 GMT

I'm sad. Like, really sad. Like, really really really sad. It's probably because I'm coming off such a fantastic high right now. The weekend was great. Me and Crista had such a fantastic time, everntying was going well, and I felt awesome. Last night, Halloween, I got to hang out with Crista. I can't reveal anything that could potentially be encriminating, but, we spent a lot of time together, let me put it like that. I slept most of the day, watched TV with my cousin, and then went to my class.

And then I watched House. The episode, pardon my spoiler, was about a young kid, barely 20, who marries his long-time love, the girl next door. Turns out, the dad raped the girl's mom, and she's his half-sister. This kid, who, conistently says he'd give his life for the girl, and that she's the "love of his life," gets emotionally spat on by the girl. It made me wonder. Me and Crista were talking earlier today about her colleges. All of them, thankfully, are out of state. "Thankfully," you ask? She is brilliant. I couldn't live with myself if she wasted her talent in-state. But, it brought to mind a few questions after watching house. "What is Crista going to do for college, with us?" I've asked her before and she says she doesn't know, often elluding to "Hey, what if things don't work out with me and college?" making me think she's prepared to break up with me. And I thought to myself: "She IS the love of my life, atleast for now." People break up for more, but people have broken up for less. What if she breaks up with me for college? Right now she says she loves me, and I believe her. But, when she goes to college, after breaking up with me, how long will she mourn? A few days she'll be sad and thinking "Why did I do it, I loved him so much," face burried in her pillow as she cries. A few days of droning to classes, getting oriented, and meeting a few people, she might get into situations where she meets more new people, namely guys. She starts hanging out, gets a crush, and boom, moves on? Or will it be a lot more long and drawn out. I don't really know/

I know if we were to break up, I'd be sent into another slump. It took me no less than 3 years to get over Megan, and a part of me still ISN'T. Richard says to not add her to my facebook if she tries to add me as a friend. I probably won't. A small part of me, however, wants to. Go figure. I hate Megan, more than anything. And yet, I'm still not fully recovered from her. And that was a sixish-week relationship during high-school that happend about 3 years ago (Well...3 years and 2 weeks as of last night >.<). I love Crista equally as much as I loved Megan when we were dating, if not more. And we've been dating for 5 months strong (Also, as of last night). How long will it take me to recover from Crista if we were to break up? Months? Years? DECADES?! I don't know if I could handle it alone. I had Katie and Kat and Heidi to help me through my last shambles. Who do I have out here? Steph? She wouldn't understand, and frankly, is far too abrassive and would probably make things worse. I love her to death and she tries really hard, but damnit, she REALLY lacks people skills. Ryan? He'd be a little helpful, but he's friends with Crista, and would sympathize too much with her for me to really get anything outta it. I litterally have no where to turn. My closest friends are all in Michigan, and moving there, now that I'm with Best Buy, isn't gonna happen.

In Crista's mind, this is going to happen. She thinks, somewhere along the lines, we won't be together any more. For whatever reasons, she doesn't. I see myself, at 65, holding her hand in the Louvre` in France. Is that scary to her? No doubt. Is that scary to me? Hell yeah! Does it change my emotions? No. I don't get into anything unless I'm sure of where it's going. When I started seriously dating Crista, I was choosing a life mate. When I gave my heart to her, I had chosen one. I had stupidly done it with Megan. God knows why. In all honesty, it's my biggest regret in all my life. Would I do it again? Yeah. It made me who I am today. It gave me experience. You know what they say "Learn from your mistakes." I mistakenly gave my heart away. And I was thinking I didn't do it foolishly again. But, maybe I did. Maybe that's what I get for giving my heart away to a high-schooler. I just don't know.

I do know one thing, though. I'm depressed. I hope it's just a temporary mood-leveling thing with my brain chemistry, and isn't prolonged for any undue reason.